


Eyes Wide Open

by PatchworkIdeas



Series: WinterFRE 2020 [20]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: A Story Written in One-Shots with no Planned Ending, Aborted Voyeurism, Accidental Voyeurism, Communication, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Healthy Relationships, Incest, M/M, Realistic Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:08:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22923853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatchworkIdeas/pseuds/PatchworkIdeas
Summary: Sometimes you have to be an adult to get what you want.(Or: How to resolve fights in a mature way.)
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien)
Series: WinterFRE 2020 [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604650
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15
Collections: GatheringFiKi - Winter FRE 2020





	Eyes Wide Open

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Prompt Nr.41:  
> Voyeurism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Prompt Nr.41:  
> Voyeurism

This is not how he expected his evening to go.

Normally Thursdays are family days - they all go out together, alternating on a strict schedule who would get to choose the place and activity.  
It’s a bit weird sometimes, considering that both Fili and Kili aren’t kids anymore – Kili just celebrated his twenty-first birthday last month and Fili’s twenty-third isn’t that far off. But the current economy is harsh and unlike some, their parents understand the need for saving and having a stable income before moving out on their own. And the traditional family evenings just… continue.

It’s fun, Fili has to admit, and they get to try all kinds of stuff they wouldn’t have done otherwise - even though these days, with all of them working and earning money, they pay for themselves more often than not.  
Fili has no doubt their parents expect these evenings to continue even after they eventually move out - judging by their comments on how much they love that their family is still so close - but Fili fears he will have to disappoint them.

Not that they know that yet.

He has organized himself a flat on the other side of the city. Close enough he can still easily reach his work, far enough his family can’t just come over on a whim, like he has no doubt Kili would.

Kili is the reason he’s leaving after all.

As well as the reason he isn’t telling. 

Kili will hate him for doing this. He’s all but cutting ties and has no intention of keeping their, until now, very close relationship alive.

If Kili realizes he’s suddenly moving out, he would try to convince Fili to change his mind - or demand to come along. And he would ask a whole lot of questions that Fili doesn’t want to answer. Except he would, because it’s Kili, and the answers would be worse then having Kili mad at him for leaving on his own.

There isn’t a whole lot worse than admitting he has fallen head over heels in love with his little brother. With his smiles and laughter, with his crazy ideas that always work out somehow regardless – and if they don’t, he just picks himself up, laughs and tries again. Fili loves how well Kili knows him and supports his choices and how there has never been a fight they haven’t been able to resolve. He loves Kili, loves that trust between them.  
And isn’t that the worst thing of it all? That, when in comes down to it, Kili can’t trust him anymore.  
So Fili will take himself out of the picture.

Besides, he doubts he will be welcome to _any_ further family outings if he ever lets any of that slip.

So retreat it is.

Or it would have been.

Fili cited emergency at work to get out of today’s gathering. Kili had looked forward to his night to choose, (last Fili knew he was still deciding between that indoor skydiving place that had recently opened and a new action movie in IMAX 3D) and was supposed to be out and enjoying himself while Fili collected his stuff in preparation for Operation: ‘Blitz Move Out’ that would start tomorrow morning while Kili will be out for work.  
Kili would hate him for it, but he would hate him even more if he knew the reason why.

Or, at least, Fili had thought he would.

Kili’s moans beg to differ.  
Kili moaning _Fili’s name_ begs to differ.

Kili not only isn’t out having the time of his life, he is lying in front of _Fili’s Laptop_ moaning _Fili’s name_ , while electronic Fili’s moans are sounding from the loudspeakers.

He is stuck in a weird pull between being mortified that Kili found his old sex tapes (he was 19 and stupid and why the hell hadn’t he deleted those?! It’s not like he ever watches them!) to angry that Kili broke into his files (apparently not for the first time to have found these things in the little time he had since their parents left) to very, very confused on what the heck is going on right now. (Kili is masturbating. To Fili’s sex tape. While moaning Fili’s name. What? Just...what?! Where the hell is this coming from?!)

And that is without considering how freaking hot the image is.  
He might be confused, but his cock is not – it’s happily rising to the occasion, straining against his suddenly too tight jeans.

And what a picture it is.  
A part of him, maybe the sane part that convinced him to move out in the first place, begs him to run. Now.  
It’s soundly overruled by Kili’s whimper.

Fili can see it all through the door left cracked open.  
The way his brother’s fingers tease himself, sometimes barely touching, sometimes grabbing himself firmly, twisting at the top; in sync with the lewd moans and grunts coming from the speakers.  
His other hand wanders to his nipples, twisting until he gasps, before moving on, finding apparently other sensitive spots Fili didn’t know about (but is happily cataloging, analyzing each gasp and groan and whimper to see what his little brother likes best, where he would like Fili’s hands to go, where Fili would touch him when he walks in and answers, gives him what he wants, pushes in until Kili screams-)

He stumbles away from the door, hand over his mouth, both in horror and to hide his ragged breathing, all too loud and impossible not to hear.

Kili mewls and is otherwise busy.

If Fili wants to run, now is the time, the nagging voice reminds him. He really should be running right now. He doesn’t want to hurt his little brother, does he? And that-

‘Shut up.’ he tells his own brain, trying to get his racing thoughts under control as well as his breathing.  
Electronic Fili lets out a particularly loud shout, apparently coming. He is uncomfortably aware how little stamina he had back then. Kili hasn’t come yet, and he can do all the things he wants to himself. He knows he can do better now, he just has to-

 _Focus_. He has to focus.

With only Kili’s panting now breaking the stillness, Fili tries not to make a sound while considering the facts.

A: His brother doesn’t know he’s home. (That isn’t a show for his eyes. Kili has more style than that. Probably. His cock gives a happy twitch against his now extremely uncomfortable trousers at this image. No. Behave!)  
B: His brother is very, very obviously interested in Fili. At least on the physical side. (What if he isn’t? If he doesn’t actually want that with _him_ , is just using his videos? But why would he watch _Fili’s_ amateur tapes instead of some random internet shit if he isn’t actually interested?!)  
C: He is moving out tomorrow.

 _Fuck._ He is moving out tomorrow.  
Moving out because Fili loves him and doesn’t want to hurt Kili any more than necessary except now he will because obviously that isn’t necessary at all and he can’t abort because everything is already in place and _FUCK!_

Digital Fili starts moaning again. Kili joins in.

Real and very horny and absolutely fucked-in-all-the-ways-but-the-one-he-wants-to-be Fili lets his head crash against the wall with more force than he should have.  
He grimaces and hisses in pain.  
And then he panics, the sudden rustling making it clear that his brother heard _that_ and where can he go and he doesn’t know what he-

And then there Kili is. Standing in the door, buck naked and very much at attention, pre-cum leaking from the tip - and Fili pulls his eyes upwards with what little self control he still has, just in time to see Kili’s eyes change from confusion to horror.

_Fuck._

The silence lengthens, tension building at the same time as Fili can all but see the gulf opening between them.  
Kili will never forgive him.  
Kili will never forgive himself, thinking he is the reason that Fili left, that Fili hates him, that he ruined everything when he hasn’t, when this isn’t ruination, it’s the opposite and he has to say something, _anything_ -

“I’m in love with you.”

Except maybe that.

Kili’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, before darkening, tears pooling in his eyes and oh, fuck no. Nonononononono.

“It’s one thing if you hate me for this but don’t fucking mock me, alright?!”

And here comes Kili’s legendary temper, gearing up for both a rant and a fight.

Fili wants to close his eyes, breathe deep, try to explain, but he knows his little brother well enough to know that even the first action would set him off into an epic tantrum that would evolve into a screaming match and end in resentful silence until one of them caves in two days later and they share ice-cream and talk about what had actually happened and cuddle in front of some random movie while laughing at how silly they were and affirming they both love each other too much to stay angry for long.

Except they don’t have that time.  
Fili won’t be here in two days.  
And Kili won’t forgive, neither Fili nor himself.

If this evolves into a fight, it will be one they won’t recover from.

So he holds his breath, keeps his eyes locked on Kili, refusing to look away, refusing to back down. He won’t let it end like this.

“I love you.” Fili starts over Kili’s tirade, over words his little brother doesn’t mean and never does, just fear and pain given voice.  
“I’m in love with you.” He continues, never taking his eyes off of his brother.  
And here comes the gamble, because he can’t be sure if Kili is still listening, but Fili will never get another chance to explain if he doesn’t do it now.

“I’m moving out tomorrow.”

Kili breaks off mid-sentence, in the middle of some half-hearted excuse about personal freedom and why had Fili even made the videos if he didn’t want them seen.

“I thought it was one-sided.” Voice as calm as he can make it, eyes burning, but he has Kili’s attention and he needs to _use it._  
“I thought I would hurt you if I told you. I thought you would hate me. So I organized my moving out behind your back so that you would never find out.” He swallows, a lump in his throat that won’t go away no matter how much he tries. There are tears in both of their eyes. Kili is standing stock still like he never does.

“I’m sorry” Fili whispers, grimacing at his own feebleness and concentrating, strengthening his voice because he has to make Kili _understand._ He just has to.  
“I love you. I don’t want to leave you. We need to talk about this. Now. _Please._ ”

And it’s Kili who closes his eyes, breathes deep, one, two, three times, before giving a jerky nod.  
“Let me put something on.” He croaks, before abruptly turning around, closing the door behind him.

Fili slumps against the wall, feeling like he just ran a marathon and escaped a saber-tooth tiger at the same time, all the while knowing he has another one just ahead.  
His heartbeat is loud and chaotic and his breathing rushes out in those seconds he just lets himself breath, lets himself be relieved for another chance.  
He has never known his brother to stop for anything when he gets angry. Not until today. It raises his hopes, and maybe he shouldn’t, but he takes it as a sign that Kili doesn’t want to let go either.

Pulling himself up with one last exhale and pushing himself away from the wall he moves into the kitchen. He starts to pull out tea for himself and coffee for Kili before reconsidering and taking out the milk in preparation for some hot chocolate for them both. There are plenty of good memories, of long nights, of secrets shared, of shoulder bumps and just enjoying each other’s company.  
This will be a hard talk, but maybe he will connect it with all those good memories someday, when they sit together in their shared home and laugh about their beginnings while trading pecks and kisses just because.

It’s a soothing image and Fili concentrates on it, lets himself imagine it, embellish it, the warmth of Kili’s body, the sound of his laugh, the feeling of their hands intertwined, shoulders brushing, the smell of the chocolate and how it might taste to kiss it off his brother’s warm and willing lips.  
For the first time in his life, for maybe the only time in his life, it isn’t an impossible image, an impossible future. Fili lets himself hope.  
(A fall would break him either way.)

Fili is calm and collected when Kili steps inside the kitchen, head down and all but slinking off into the chair on the other side of the table.  
He adds some extra marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles to both of their drinks. Normally he doesn’t like his as sweet as Kili does but he can use the extra comfort right now.

His brother looks up, bewildered, when Fili puts the hot chocolate in front of him and leaves again. Fili doesn’t see it, but he hears Kili’s quick bark of laughter when his brother realizes he’s pulling out the ice-cream as well.  
Despite the cold of the ice, it feels like the kitchen warms up, just a bit. A weight off both of their shoulders.  
Fili sits, choosing the chair with just the corner between them. They are in this together, nothing between, and he wants to keep it that way.

Kili takes his spoon out of the hot chocolate, barely catching the stray marshmallow and licks it off, before immediately digging into the ice-cream, letting out a relieved sigh when it melts on his tongue.  
Familiar ground, a tradition almost as old as they are.

“So” Kili starts the moment his ice cream is gone, most likely so he can’t talk himself out of it. “You are in love with me.”  
A short pause, eyes not meeting his, and Fili nods, knowing that is all Kili needs while he works out his own thoughts.  
“You saw me.”  
Another nod.  
“You are leaving tomorrow.”  
He wants to apologize. It wouldn’t help. He nods.  
“You wouldn’t have told me.”  
And he can’t stop himself anymore.

“I’m sorry. I knew it would hurt you, but I thought-”

“You thought I didn’t love you. _Couldn’t_ love you.”  
Kili’s voice is calm, but Fili can hear the turmoil roiling underneath, anger kept on a tight leash. He bites his tongue on another apology.  
Kili breathes, shoulders slowly coming down inch by inch when Fili doesn’t try to apologize again.  
Excuses, Fili realizes. Kili doesn’t hear apologies, he hears excuses.

“I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen.” And it feels like a punch because the realization has been eating him, destroying him for months now and Kili has been dealing with it for so much longer.  
Alone.

“Kili...”

“I caught you making those videos. I don’t know who you made them for but I was _jealous_ and I knew I had no right to be, and I knew I had no chance.” Kili stops himself, stops what would have become a ramble of things Fili longs to hear, pain and fear and frustration that he has somehow never caught. And a part of him is still angry, for how long Kili went behind his back, lied, invaded his privacy with Fili none the wiser. But now is not the time; not for any of the really complicated things, for working through years of repressed feelings he wishes he caught earlier - and knows he wouldn’t have been able to handle. 

“They weren’t for anyone,” Fili says instead.  
He wants to explain: how there hasn’t been anyone important, how nothing has ever felt right, how he considered putting them out there just for some stupid recognition that wouldn’t have changed anything, only made things worse.  
That night, they had sat, just like this, Kili telling him he loved him, that he would always be there for him, and how that had made him change his mind, made him not give up part of himself to a world that wouldn’t have cared, just because he was lonely and confused. 

He isn’t lonely when he’s with Kili.  
Never has been. 

He wonders, not for the first time, how long this has been coming. How much grief could have been prevented if he hadn’t been too blind to see Kili as the adult he had become, rather than the kid brother he grew up with.  
The words won’t come.  
The silence lengthens and nothing feels right.  
Except for one thing.  
Fili jumps.

“Come with me.” There is not a hint of uncertainty in his voice and Kili’s eyes finally meet his own when he whips up, mouth open and staring.  
Fili doesn’t hesitate anymore. So much lost time, so much unnecessary misery.  
“I already signed the lease and everything. I can’t stop this. And we can’t explore this under our parents eyes anyway. But I want to.” His voice breaks on that last part, because he does, like he never wanted anything before, but he’s asking for Kili’s trust after he’s proven he wasn’t willing to trust Kili in return.  
He swallows, gets ready to beg, because this is worth it, this is _right_ and this is their chance and regardless of how they arrived at it, he’s not letting it slip through his fingers.

“Ok.”

Kili beats him to it.

“...Ok?” he repeats, just to be sure, because everything is a mess and it can’t be that easy, except it always is where Kili is involved.

“Ok. You will help me pack my stuff and _you_ are the one explaining this to mom and dad and you are _definitely_ making this up to me – but yes. I’ll move in with you and we can figure this out together.”  
Kili laughs, at Fili’s expression most likely, and it feels like pieces are finally slipping into place that have been disjointed for way too long.

“What, did you think I would just let you leave, goodbye, farewell? I’ve loved you for _years_ , I’m not letting you run away when I finally get a chance!” Another laugh, a hand finding his and Fili can’t help himself – he squeezes tight, brings it to his lips and kisses every finger before resting his head against it; all the pressure finally rolling off his shoulders, leaving him slumped.  
Kili nudges the ice-cream in his direction with his free hand, taking another spoonful while he’s at it.  
Fili feels like he should be embarrassed about his display, but he doesn’t think he has the energy for it anymore. So he takes the spoon instead, all the while holding tight, their combined hands held between them.  
The ice-cream tastes wonderful. 

“So, where is this new home of mine?” Their talk turns to plans, turns to ideas when Kili ‘ohs’ over pictures and wonders about commutes and where to place what and what restaurants are in the area that they have never tried before. Kili insists they add ‘Dating Friday’ to try every single one of them. They squabble about the best day for that and over the color of their walls and teeny, tiny things that will build a future he never thought he could have.

“How is everything always so easy with you?” Fili blurts out long after the ice-cream is gone and their mugs cleaned and put away. Their parents are late, but neither minds – it’s nice just being by themselves and neither doubts both their parents are likely enjoying it just as much as they are.

“I don’t know. Isn’t it supposed to be that way? We fight, we apologize, we make up. Except now I might actually get some make up sex?”  
At that, Fili hits him with a pillow, laughing all the while.  
They are both tired and exhausted, if giddy all the same. It’s not in the cards yet. Probably not for a while, as much as they are both interested. Too much to talk about still, to make right, to learn anew about each other, so that they can do this right.  
Fili wants to do this right.  
He wants this to last, like he has never wanted anything before.

“How about that pizza place you love and your movie tomorrow? I’m going to get us set up with the essentials while you work and then come and get you?”  
Kili laughs, wild and carefree and the look in his eyes is no different than it has been for years, Fili just finally knows what it truly means.

“Yeah, it’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal Note:  
> This is one of my older ones, written at the start of the Raffle.  
> I love the idea, but I’m honestly not perfectly happy with my execution here, and no amount of fiddling seems to solve that. So I figure it's time to let it go, and concentrate on what follows.  
> Considering that I have plenty more ideas for these two and plan to have this be an open ended verse that grows over the coming years, there will probably be some change in quality over time anyway. (or at least, I would hope so X-D)  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Personal Note:  
> This is one of my older ones, written at the start of the Raffle.  
> I love the idea, but I’m honestly not perfectly happy with my execution here, and no amount of fiddling seems to solve that. So I figure it's time to let it go, and concentrate on what follows.  
> Considering that I have plenty more ideas for these two and plan to have this be an open ended verse that grows over the coming years, there will probably be some change in quality over time anyway. (or at least, I would hope so X-D)  
> 


End file.
